And then suddenly, fucking normalcy.

Posted in Uncategorized on August 14, 2016 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

Damn, it’s been a long, long time since I’ve looked at this blog or even sat down to attempt to write my thoughts into words. How’s life? How’s the family, the kids, the job, the twenty cats you got in your basement, whatever? Good? Cool. Not good? Fuck, that sucks man.


You ever go into something knowing you were going to fail and thinking, “well shit, I’ll make the most of it for now but fuck it, this is going to be fun”


Well, what happens when you don’t fail? What happens when the one possibility you didn’t put thought into just happens? I remember when I first got out on my own, freshly 18 years old. I was so fucking pissed off, so turned around, head spinning, I didn’t know which way to look or who to burn first. I was so fucking miserable and a part of me just wanted to die, but god I wanted to take down as many people as I could with me along the way. So I found some friends, we all had a house together. They were great, but just as fucked and it’s like we all just embarked on this suicide mission. I wanted to have a blast along the way but the only outcomes I saw were death or jail or whatever else that might as well just be death. And I was fine with that, I welcomed it even.


But after a few years the dust started to settle and here we are. Still standing, somehow. And now I’m just sitting here thinking, well fucking now what? Fast forward a few years and I’m not running, I’ve got roots. I’ve got things I built, stuff I’m working on that I love, some of my friends have families even. And, oddly enough, trying to cope with the permanence of it all is more difficult for me than the chaos and destruction I’ve always known. What, is this growing up and being “normal?” Is this some sort of weird happy ending? It’s all rather conflicting to me, on the one side I have things that make me happy and challenge me, on the other hand I have to fight this building urge to metaphorically pour gasoline on it all, light a match, and take to the winds not knowing what the fuck I’m getting into next. I guess I’m just not used to it and it feels too easy to get away with so much in the end.


You know what though? I’ll keep playing this hand of cards and make the most of it, this is going to be fun. I guess in a few years I’ll sit back and ask, “now what?” but until then I’ve got a matchbook in my pocket just in case.

An Open Letter to Zach Black

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2013 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

This is a response to Zach’s general message to the users of the Circle. Full message can be found here . I’m only going to throw up the pieces I want to address, so if you haven’t seen the complete message, click the link I gave you. I’m going to do this Darryl style.

Zach: I wanna make this clear. I have nothing against the site or the vision behind it. In fact, I would like to see it come to fruition. 

Me: First sentence is total bullshit, off to a good start I see. 

Zach: There are several people there that I respect and still remain in contact with. It is a shame that half a dozen disgruntled former users of SIN are attempting to pit the sites against each other. That was not on my end. You can thank Jason King ( John Warren), Dan Dread ( Daniel MacDonald), Alison Jones, Neil Westwood,FemaleSatan,Darryl and a couple others.

Me: 1. Prove to me that all this shit is their fault, and 2. I don’t think you can claim that others are pitting the sites against each other when you were behind the DDOS attacks that hit Circle for a week or so. Don’t bother denying that, quite a few people saw the live footage of you encouraging some wannabe hacker do it for you. In a public chat. On webcam. 

Zach: What started this ‘feud’ is the hacking of SIN. 

Me: I can’t tell if you’re feeding everyone a line of bullshit, or you’re really stupid enough to think that. I’m also not sure which is worse. 

Zach: King often takes all the credit for a fraction of the work. That is his MO.

Me: Sounds familiar…. Oh yeah, it’s you. Who built SIN again? Certainly wasn’t you, was it? lol.

Zach: A few other users started spreading a rumor that I was/am a pedophile.

Me: A “rumor?” Seriously? Zach, you asked a fifteen year old to show you her tits, and then when confronted about it, told everyone that you don’t give a shit if she’s fifteen. What’s more, that’s not the first time, nor is it the first girl, or even the youngest girl. I remember Cristina. 😉 She was thirteen, right? 

Zach: But there is a benefit to what happened. A bright side. SIN did lose several smart cookies. But, SIN lost several fucking assholes. And since they have left several more people are posting.

 Me: Lol, several more people are posting??? Who? 

Zach: Also when Jason King deleted the forums and essentially gutted SIN I thought it was over. But, in reality his actions forced me to step up my game. I was not only to restore all the forums, but I was also able to restore ALL the users that recently deleted themselves in protest. So, thank you King. You did SIN a huge favor.

Me: Lol, that’s your biggest victory right? Stealing the good content of users that are disgusted with you? How sad.

Zach: So, here we are. SIN is still being relentlessly trolled by 1/2 a dozen or so CircleJerk users. Ironic how the circljerk claims to be the elite and most active Satanic forum. Yet, they still spend hours a day trolling SIN? Are the CircleJerks getting bored already? Wow imagine that! A site with 60 people rehashing the same old shit. I see tumble weeds in the near future. You can only keep a network running if new users are posting content. But hey, do not take my word for it. I only run the most active Satanic social network/forum around. And my offer still stands Dread. You know. The one you pussied out from. You wanna compare Google Analytics ? Of course you do not. You know mine would crush the circlejerks.

 Me: Ah, and we have finally reached the part that made me write this blog, the most important piece. The one thing I’ve seen you pull out in every argument you have ever participated in, your precious Google Analytics. What does it show? How much traffic the site has, right? How many people that have seen SIN, correct? It’s clear here that having the biggest number of views is what matters to you.

And that right there is why you’ll never, ever be respected among anyone with value. Don’t you fucking get it man? It’s not about who hacked your site, it’s not about the people listed on your troll blog, or the Circle website, it’s all about you. Your goal isn’t to progress satanism, your goal isn’t to provide a community for satanists to meet and exchange ideas, shit, your goal isn’t even to better yourself. Your goal is numbers. How many site views you have, how many accounts signed up on SIN, what your number is on some arbitrary list of popular satanists. Your goal is popularity. Post your Google Analytics, keep reminding us about the 5,000+ empty accounts, post that pathetic Comedy Central skit one more time, remind us how many people have seen your youtube videos. Nobody cares. Why?

Because it means nothing. Your website could have a million user accounts and a billion views a day, and it still wouldn’t matter. At the end of the day, no matter what the numbers are, still all you have on SIN is the stolen content of users from the Circle, inactive accounts, and users so idiotic they wouldn’t make it anywhere else. I don’t give a fuck how many people click on the Circle everyday, I care about whether the posts there are worth reading. Shit, you care about your empty numbers so much that you personally made sure to tell anyone that’s ever been of value to you how dispensable we all are. Gee, I wonder why the place is crumbling all around you now…….

Zach: The only thing the circle jerks can boast about is quality over quantity. That is what everyone says when you lack the numbers. ‘We do not care about numbers only quality’. Yeah right. No one there on the jerk-a-thon site has the ability to promote like I do. Not even all of you put together. Entropy is setting in. And will continue until the tumble weeds come. It will end up being the same 20 people rehashing the same old shit,telling each other how cool and smart they are and how SIN sucks. While SIN is getting about 10 new users a day and marches on.

Me: Lol, the tumble weeds are coming hmm? You sure about that? So far, despite your best efforts, Circle not only has great new content everyday, but also more people online and in the chatroom than yours on a regular basis. I’d say things are going pretty well. Also, fuck your youtube promotion, it brings in more derp. (Which is a big part of why your site sucks btw, but I know you’ll just delude yourself again thinking we are all somehow jealous of you lol) BTW, out of those ten new users anyway, do you have the stats on how many trolls join and how many join only to leave and never came back? Lol. Based on the year I spent approving new users as admin, I’d say you get one or two posters out of all the new users, and then only a good poster every few months out of that. The thing about those 20 smart users rehashing the same shit everyday, is that at least they are talking about actual satanism. I’ll take that over all the “Do I Worship Batman” blogs any day of the week. 

Zach: So what is it guys? And I am not addressing the entire site but the 1/2 dozen people I have mentioned. Jealousy? Envy? Are you upset your site did not blow up the way you predicted? Sorry about your luck. And with few exceptions none of you are welcome back at SIN. I would have been a better friend than enemy. It must be hard for you haters to realize your efforts for defeating me failed.

Me: Lol… Envy. Why the fuck would anyone envy you? For having a site with 5,000 high school kids that you brought in with one of your drug videos? For going on Comedy Central and making a complete ass of yourself? For living in a shack on a winery with no plumbing? Fuck man, get a hold of yourself.

Zach:  And continues to be the most active social networking community for Satanists.

Me: You can go ahead and keep that homie. Nobody wants it.

Zach: So,continue on bitter ones. And I will piss on your grave. I am digging it now.

I will sing this at your funeral

Me: Lol, what is everyone defeated because you made a blog about them with Neil’s dick on it?? 

Get over yourself already Zach. The real reason everyone left your site is because you actually aren’t smart enough to be in charge of things. All it took were a few bad decisions in a row for a lot of people to come to that conclusion at the same time. I tried warning you that pissing off your admin and key players would be a bad move, but you didn’t listen. Now you get to pay that price. Have fun with what’s left of SIN! 😀

I guess I’m the only one that didn’t forget Mysatan.

Posted in Uncategorized on October 11, 2013 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

Does anyone remember the fall of Mysatan? Zach and buds tricked the owner, who was too busy to take care of his site, into selling it to them under the guise of improving the place and taking care of it.


Then, for those of us watching in the sidelines, we got to witness Zach and buds troll the fuck out of it. Sock accounts went wild, trolling videos flooded every page of the website, and the background was turned pink. 


For the finale, they shut the entire site down, which deleted every users content, and set up a redirect to SIN, so that every time someone tried to visit “” they got to SIN instead.


Where was I, you ask? Chillin in the chatroom, watching it all go down. I even took pictures and laughed. And  after thoroughly destroying most of their competition, SIN exploded with users. 


Now, I told you that story so I could talk about recent events. I stepped down as admin, and left SIN entirely over a week ago. Aside from keeping in contact with certain members on facebook, I’ve been rather quiet about it, until now. I made my reasons for leaving pretty clear, but in case you missed it before, I fundamentally disagreed with the way things were being handled and would not attach my name to the things that were going on. 


Seems though, after this place opened it’s doors for all, things at SIN are being handled worse than ever. Do I have my facts correct that any user on the Circle of Descent is to be banned from SIN? Am I really reading all the posts on SIN right? The same people that stood around and laughed as Mysatan was dismantled by SIN are now acting affronted by this new place? So everyone that’s bitching at me in facebook PMs over my membership here, listen up. I’m not sorry I’m here. I don’t much care about who is running this place or how it came to be. I care about staying in a place where people will understand what I have to say, and I in return, can understand and learn from them. I care about staying in a place where we don’t have censorship based on personal preference, underaged girls flashing their tits, and an owner that picks up and demotes his own admin team based on a whim. The day that this place stops doing that for me, I will leave here too. Just as I left Mysatan, just as I left SIN.


And as someone that watched Mysatan burn to the ground because of Zach and friends, I don’t have the audacity to look down my nose at the people currently joining this network. 

Stupid Hot Girl Memes Need to Die

Posted in Uncategorized on September 7, 2013 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

As it’s Saturday, I got up, had some coffee, and decided to jump into the SIN chatroom like I sometimes do. I got into some pretty fun and interesting conversations that got me thinking a bit about what people find attractive, body confidence, and the highly individual nature of human sexuality. As more of the usual AM crowd trickled in and the conversation slowly got pulled away from these topics and the always fun discussion of how rockin’ Cassandra’s tits are and instead onto less exciting things (for me anyway) I ended up browsing around on my computer, looking at the usual stuff. I glanced over to facebook to PM someone and happened to see this image in my feed:



Now aside from the slightly annoying spelling error, this photo pissed me off on a couple of levels, which is why I’m now writing this blog. Ya know the first thing that ran through my head was that maybe, and I know this sounds a little crazy for some people, but maybe men actually just like whatever they want to like on an individual level. Ya know, like everybody else??


It might just be me, but I think making a claim that the entire male gender (or in some of the stupid memes I’ve seen, “real men” because obviously the generalizations weren’t rude enough without that little jab added on like rancid sprinkles) likes women in only a certain way is false and really condescending. Men, just like women, are so varied in their tastes of what they find attractive that there is literally a porn version of EVERYTHING.  Back to that in a minute though, I have another point I want to make first.


Which is that I did actually understand the intended message of this picture. I know that it wasn’t meant to be condescending to men. We (as in people in the US, and most other countries with similar cultures that I can relate to) live in a society that is highly commercialized. You can’t turn on your TV, go on the internet, or go anywhere outside your house that isn’t the middle of nowhere where you aren’t bombarded with product placements and advertising that is specifically designed to tell people what they should drive, what to eat, and most importantly what is beautiful and what you need to be doing to fit into that image of widely accepted beauty. And in the case of women, you NEED TO BE THIN. AS THIN AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Naturally, this is wrong, and also a really bad thing to impose on women everywhere. The standards forced in our face of professional models are simply unrealistic for ALL women and in some cases dangerously unhealthy. This has led to a lot of body image problems for women that aren’t naturally rail thin. Recently though, I’ve seen that shifting a bit. A lot of women are choosing to embrace whatever body type they have as beautiful, and gotten loud about it. I understand that this picture is trying to do just that thing. As a curvy girl myself, I understand that no, weighing more does not mean I’m not pretty. I support this message. What I don’t support, is promoting a positive body image for curvier women by saying that overly skinny women aren’t attractive. That’s just perpetuating the bullshit. Look at the picture, the skinny girl is called a skeleton and told nobody likes that. How is that any better than calling a skinny woman beautiful and telling the fat chick to go on a diet? It’s fucking not.


But back to what gives men a boner. (See? More exciting to read, huh?)


As I’ve already said, the things that men can find attractive is incredibly broad. I know guys that really dig the skinny look. It’s their thing, so what? It’s all good to me, you go find that sexy size zero (Because, yes that’s sexy) you met that the bar last Tuesday and have yourself a great time. Hey, I also know plenty of guys that think curvy chicks (Also sexy) just like me are just awesome. So if you’re a woman with body issues because not all the guys like you because you’re either too skinny or too heavy, I have some news for you. There is literally no weight you can be at that will make all the guys like you. That guy that digs super thin girls will always exist. That guy that loves to chase the chubs will always exist. There will be men that exist that don’t find you attractive no matter what you do. And that’s okay, because this works both ways. I will not find every guy I see attractive, and I know there are lots of woman that completely disagree with what I personally find attractive. Why has not having attraction for someone become an insult in the first place? It can’t be helped, and it’s inevitable! 


And don’t misunderstand, I do love it when I run into people that think I’m sexy. I’m not denying that it’s awesome when it happens, it’s just that I don’t ever really get upset just because I’m not attractive to someone else. Maybe if I find them attractive, but they don’t feel the same back that’s a little bit of a bummer, but whatever, I can move on and try again. I don’t get offended or let it ruin my day and I sure as fuck won’t let the opinions of other people define my self worth.  


So that’s it, everyone is beautiful, and everyone is ugly. Can everyone just move past the petty bullshit argument over what our bodies are supposed to look like and just get comfortable with them the way they are already? The vastness of the porn industry says yes.






Immortality was never part of the deal

Posted in Uncategorized on July 12, 2013 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

I don’t know if it’s my work getting to me, or recent life events, or what. Lately, I’ve thought a lot about how I’m going to die. Now, now, don’t get all freaky on me, I’m not suicidal or some shit, it’s just an interesting thought. I guess you could say, I’ve seen the future. I see where most people are headed everyday, which is old and fragile, alone and disabled in a bed, racked with pain. Not really alive or dead, stuck in a horrible in between land that involves paying chicks with blue hair to give you your meds, wearing diapers, and listening to your family argue over who gets your money. 

And then I look at my life. I have some old friends and there were seven of us, so we were bored and high one day and decided to name each one of us after the seven deadly sins. I got wrath pretty much instantly. (Best one in my opinion, but that’s just me. Pride’s also pretty cool too) It’s actually kind of accurate of most of the women in my family. I’m nice and sweet and all, but if you do piss me off I tend to go to the end of the Earth in order to bring your ass down. Don’t really care about collateral damage, or if I look bad doing it. I’ve done pretty good so far, come up against some pretty scary people and it didn’t end well for them. I’m lucky, but I kind of figure one day that luck is going to run out. One day, I’ll be on someone else’s list and they’re going to have a really good day and wrath will take me too.

And then I think, well that’s more of a hope, isn’t it? I’d rather go out fighting someone stronger than me that I burned, then rot in a hospital bed hopped up on morphine. I punish people I feel have wronged me, but eventually, I’ll run my mouth to the wrong person. At least I hope. I’d rather punishment came to find me then die old and complacent. At least then, when I die, I’d feel really alive for a few minutes.

Punishment comes limping, and I’ll make damn sure I deserve it. The alternative is far worse.

Sammie’s Guide to Failing at the Internet

Posted in Uncategorized on June 5, 2013 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

You’re ready. You’ve hooked up your high speed internet, powered on your PC, gathered your daily rations of cheetos and mountain dew, and put on your favorite pair of worn out sweat pants. Summer is finally upon us, and with that you, courageous keyboard warrior, are ready to take on the internet. You worry a bit, it was been an entire school year since your last campaign after all and you fear that you might be rusty and have forgotten your favorite tricks. Well never fear, valiant warrior, I am here to guide you back to your former glory with my very own guide to Failing at the Internet!! Without further ado, here are the best tips and tricks for getting you through the summer.

1. Let’s start with your favorite satanic social networking site. Be it SIN, the Sect, the 600c, you name it, pick one and go to “create an account.” (This step only applies to the warriors that fought hard enough in battle last summer to have their previous accounts frozen or deleted, if you still have your original account proceed to step 2) Remember how important first impressions are, so make sure to come up with a screen name just for you! Remember when creating a screen name it should be either in HaLf CaPs, have numbers in it in place of words (satan4eva!), be misspelled using text slang (Lykewutupbro), and most importantly have as many references as possible to Satan. ( easiest way is to make sure 666 is on either side of your screen name. Bonus awesome points if also done using symbols like “#$%^*()(%$”)

2. Never forget, proper English is for NERDS. If you really want to show the internet how awesome your e-dick is, you must create your own style of writing. (Remember, you’re unique and whatever you do is going to be totally cool. I promise) TYPING IN ALL CAPS is nice attention-grabbing classic, we all know that yelling in text= people listen better. For added flair, try the previously mentioned HaLf CaPs. Get creative, type with no caps, use numbers where there should be letters, and misspell even the simplest of words. Don’t worry about the grammar nazis, we’re ready to tackle them with our next step.

3. Everyone that says anything to you is just a hater because they’re jealous of how awesome you are. Don’t fret over the nerds telling you to spell with English! English is your bitch, and so are all the haters! Ignore all their points and throw insults. The sillier, the better. If anyone keeps arguing, follow them everywhere. Go to everything they post on and insult them. Down rate all their pictures and blogs. Make sure to completely derail any and all posts they have commented on. That will remind them of how strong and awesome you are.

4. Your ideas are gold, all of them. It’s summer after all, it’s time to make everyone aware of every tiny little thing that pops into your brain. Post multiple one liner blogs and threads as many times as possible. Also, make sure to be as vague and nonsensical as you can muster. It signals to everyone else that you’re mysterious and edgy, and we all know being mysterious is boss as fuck, yo.

5. Anybody that questions you is an asshole and must be defeated. You’re awesome and everything you say MUST be the truth, anybody questioning that is just another hater. Don’t reason with them, use logic, or pull up studies/stats to support your claim, that only tells them they’ve won. Instead, remind them they’re just hatin’ and throw as many insults as possible. If you really can’t avoid having to explain your point, do it YOUR way. Redefine simple words, lie, and don’t be afraid to get angry! If need be, use step 3 and follow them everywhere until they know their place. If even that doesn’t work, proceed to step 5.

5. Admin/Mods are stupid and are only around to serve you. If you have a couple of persistent haters on your back demanding dumb nerdy shit like facts or reason, don’t get discouraged. You need to bring this to the Admin’s attention. Don’t just send them a message though, if you only do that they might not take you seriously enough. Make sure to write lengthy anger filled complaints and post them all over the website. Don’t be afraid to lie, the ends justify the means and besides the admin are stupid, remember? They are totally going to take whatever you say at face value and listen to your every command. In the event of admin being part of the haters, proceed to the next step.

6. Any admin that disagrees with you is wrong. It totally doesn’t matter that you’re a brand new user, quote and reinterpret the site rules at them. Don’t be afraid to insult them too, remember you’re awesome and everyone else is your bitch. If they don’t listen, create multiple posts all over the site blaming the entire admin team for the problem. It’s important to post in as many places as possible and to be as passionate and angry as you can. Being angry will get everyone on your side. (Also important: ignore any warnings given out by admin. Remember they’re wrong and you’re right no matter what)

7. If all else fails, and you can’t get everybody to totally realize how kickass you are, it’s time. The big guns, The last resort. This, surely, will teach everyone a lesson. Make your final post. Be sure to outline in your post how stupid everybody else is, and how this website will fail without you. Then, leave or get yourself suspended. Without you, that place is devoid of all things awesome. It’s the website kiss of death. Rest assured that one day, they will realize the error of their ways but it will be too late. Fall back to all your other favorite sites and social media and laugh at them. Talk as much shit as possible. After all, daring keyboard warrior, it’s not you, it’s everybody else.


(Important side note. This bonus round is aimed squarely on those it applies you. If reading this makes you angry, then I am talking to YOU.)

Could it be? Have you reached the promised land? You’re in the bonus round so it must be! Oh, praise the internet, someone gave you admin/mod power. Be it the website, chat room, blog page, or FB group page, this special bonus round of my guide is for YOU!

1. You are infallible. You know it’s true because someone gave you some extra buttons. First thing’s first, step one is to make sure to remind everybody that you’re in charge.  This is your own personal sandbox, and don’t let anyone forget it.

2. Remember all those people you don’t like from before you had the power. Find them, and bully them where ever they may be.

3.  Now that you’re in charge, you can’t lose an argument, ever. Make sure anyone talking some sense gets banned. That’s the shortcut to winning after all.

4. Censorship is a good thing. You’re in charge now, so if you don’t like it, delete that shit pronto. Anyone that doesn’t like it is wrong, and needs to be subjected to bonus round steps 1,2, and 3.

5. Remember that you’ve reached the top. There is nothing better than being in charge of your corner of the internet. Make sure to remind everybody how high an accomplishment this is, much higher than any real world anything. Go forth, and be awesome.

That’s it folks! I’m sure I’ve missed quite a few steps, so if you have any additions feel free to comment below and I can add them.

By request, for your entertainment.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 20, 2013 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

I’d like to say first that I wasn’t sure whether or not I should post this, as it’s going to stir the pot a bit. In the end I decided to anyway, and that’s because I hate when people delete their comments when they don’t like them. Here’s to you meq, and why you always end up banned. For constantly talking shit.




At this point, he deleted all the comments and started to IM me.



He really wanted me to do things privately. Weird considering he has no problem talking shit publicly, that is of course if it’s against other people.




This one is my absolute FAVORITE. Because I commented on his post on FB, he’s reporting me to Lexi, an admin at SIN.  That’s fucking priceless.

You know what? I wouldn’t normally mind meq all that much, except every time he comes back, he talks shit to everybody. Tries to pit admin against each other and stir up shit. Get real dude, it’s not going to work. Have fun at SEDS.

By more request, I’m adding more.  This one’s other Cassie. For the record meq didn’t have anything to do with her status at SIN, she makes it on her own merit just fine 🙂












Update: Pictures have all been restored. Meq, in order for a DMCA to work there has to 1. Be an actual copyright infringement (being embarrassed doesn’t count) and 2. Be able to actually do something about it when I fight for my own shit back.  My advice? Deal with it.  Get a life. And most importantly, I haven’t done shit to you, you did this to yourself.

SO bye bye forever. Do not contact me again. Here’s a goodbye song just for you:

How do you like me now?

Posted in Uncategorized on November 2, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

WARNING WARNING This post made with arrogance and my also contain peanuts WARNING WARNING 


So it’s finally fall and the weather is starting to cool down. I’m not really sure why, but fall is the time every year that I spend a bit of time reflecting on myself and the events that have transpired in the last year. For some reason I ever do this on New Year’s or any of the other seasons, it’s always Autumn. Maybe because it’s windy and I like wind, I have no idea. This year though, I’m going to focus on the detractors in my life. Thank you, crowd of people! Thank you. 


If it weren’t for all you people, I could possibly be in your boat with you (Ok probably not even then) . Thanks for saying, “You’ll never be successful on your own, you probably need to apply for menial jobs that pay shit.” Thanks for saying, ” Why can’t you just be normal, you’re never going to get anywhere looking like that.” And thank you for saying, “I don’t know why she’s going to college, she won’t make it past the first semester.” Special thanks to the people who actively tried to cut off my progress, that was cute. 


Every time I attracted comments like these, it stung a little. It caused me to question myself a bit, but it’s not going to knock me down. I’m not going to give up, because it makes other people more comfortable with their lack of progress. And I’m not going to not try for fear of failure. I love college, to the point that I feel like I never want to leave it. It’s a lot of work, but man it feels good to grab the highest score on my midterm out of the whole class. It feels amazing to work on something I previously didn’t understand, and then grasping the information while at the same time discovering a new interest in a subject. It’s an honor to meet people so much smarter than myself and have the opportunity to learn from them. 


The economy is terrible in my area, and the jobs are also terrible. I tried a few and decided I didn’t want to work so hard towards something I didn’t like and get paid crap for it. So you know what? I created my own job. I’ve had to take some risks, and learn a few lessons, but so far things are wildly successful. In addition to being a caregiver, I now specialize in nutrition for the elderly and cancer survivors. My patients are doing great, and I love the work that I do. I’m even starting a new project, I’m making a community garden, and also starting to bulk prepare and sell my food and menus, in order to take on more clients. It’s great because I make more money, but more importantly save more money for my patients. 


Here’s the kicker. I get to look back on everyone that’s ever told me I can’t be anything, and I see that they haven’t changed. What are you doing? Where is your life going? What are you proud of, and what’s gives you the authority to look down your nose at me? I know that in this post I’m taking a moment to congratulate myself on a little progress, but I’m also rational enough to know I’ve still got work to do. I replace every completed goal with a new one, and I realize there are more people out there that are smarter and more creative than myself. I guess the difference is that those people motivate and inspire me, and I guess for a lot of you they remind you of your own lack of motivation and success. 


I guess what I’m trying to say is that at the end of the day I want to be proud of my accomplishments, and though I don’t think I’m the best, or somehow infallible, I can safely say I’m better than the idiots chilling on the couch throwing insults at me. 

Calling yourself superman won’t make you fly

Posted in Uncategorized on August 10, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

I’ve always wondered what possesses people to run around beating their chests for everyone else to see. You know the type, those that walk in the room listing off just why they are so awesome, usually without anything to back that up. You have the most obvious ones, who end up getting kicked squarely in the teeth and disappear in a sea of asshurt, and then the more subtle ones. The one trick ponies stuck repeating the same tired buzzwords or popular viewpoint at the time.


The most frustrating thing to me is why they seem so damn sure of themselves all the time. Not a shred of doubt in anything they do, even though they actually lack whatever cards they say they are holding. I think it’s probably just much easier to shy away from real conflict and create a lie, one that over time will be a lie you’ll believe, than to take a hard look into a mirror. Any person seriously accomplishing anything is sure to be doing it by working through their fear or shortcomings. Dealing with discomfort and sometimes all out failure, to achieve an end goal. 


When I was attacked earlier this year, I’m not embarrassed to tell anyone that I was afraid. (Due to legal reasons and too much personal story, I’m not outlining the details of this incident here.) It was scary and uncomfortable to deal with, but I learned a lot of things from it. I didn’t back down for fear, and I won’t later this year when I have to face the same shit, but in a courtroom. And by the way, this is not some great accomplishment or some testament to strength or whatever. It’s seeing fear for what it is, as a tool I can use. This incident is really no different than my doubts and fears about doing well in school, starting a new job, or taking a new step in a relationship. If I don’t feel nervous or scared, I’m not accomplishing anything. If I’m not second guessing myself, or seeking out new things to test out, I’m not really living in my opinion.

So all these people with the excess confidence, strutting around with all their talk about handling crazy situations like pros, and having the perfect answers to theoretical scenarios, they really just yell the loudest to cover up the lack of action on their part. Real progress doesn’t require endorsement from your peers. 

So I guess my question is this: Is your confidence truly built on a tested foundation, or are you just deceiving yourself? 

Boycott Idiocy

Posted in Uncategorized on May 17, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

So this blog is inspired by a forum thread I saw on SIN. The OP is calling to boycott a fast food chain because they refused to hire a Satanist. They knew he was a Satanist because of the necklace he was wearing during the interview. He even went and made a complaint against the company for religious discrimination. I had so many things to say about this that I’m now writing this blog. (If you want to read the actual thread, it’s on SIN and called “Boycott Sheetz,”)

95% of the population does not agree with Satanism, or even really know what it means. This is how it is, and I wouldn’t want people to get all PC about it and dilute it into meaningless garbage. I don’t need society to accept me or any sort of satanic ideal because I have at least scratched the surface of how crooked, diseased, and unnatural society is today as a whole. I personally want to be as removed from society as humanly possible. It’s important to remember all of this when working a job, especially a job dealing with the public because I can’t fully remove myself from the system or society. (Unless I wanted to go live in some cave somewhere) So, if I were applying for a job in the food service industry, of course I wouldn’t want to flaunt any sort of satanic symbol. People would complain, people would refuse to eat there. This is just how shit works. So if I were the manager and interviewing someone for a job that was wearing a symbol of something 95% of customers hate, I would never, ever hire that person. (Unless I decided that I didn’t want to actually make any money) It’s the same in my current job. I work in sales and therefore spend all of my time convincing the public to buy shit from me. If I wore my atheist shirt that said “Worship me or I’ll torture you forever – Signed Your loving God” my clientele would just be offended by my atheist message and I would not make any money. You would think this was common sense, but apparently not.

My next problem is that the OP went on to make a complaint of discrimination and calls for people to boycott the entire establishment. Really bro? If I were fired from my job for saying “Hail Satan!” to a client for example, it would be bad customer service not discrimination. Lets not martyr ourselves for Satanism because people don’t like the fact that we go directly against every single religion that people subscribe to. The world isn’t fair, it’s naive to think otherwise, and it’s flat out retardation to want people to boycott any business that isn’t down with employees wearing symbols that have to do with Satan.

My final point that’s really bugging me is the obsessive need for people (I’m mostly talking about satanists, but this point applies to every religion, philosophy, or political stance) to wear symbols of their chosen philosophy as ornaments or jewelry. I mean all the time. Why is that so important to people? Does wearing a cheap metal baphomet somehow make Satanism more real to people? I personally don’t need to wear jewelry to prove to myself what I am. Symbols only hold meaning if you decide to give them meaning. I don’t get magical evil powers if I wear one. I also really don’t give a shit about trying to let everyone know how badass I think I am by wearing a cheap trinket I bought on ebay.

Just my two cents on the subject.