Sammie’s Guide to Failing at the Internet

You’re ready. You’ve hooked up your high speed internet, powered on your PC, gathered your daily rations of cheetos and mountain dew, and put on your favorite pair of worn out sweat pants. Summer is finally upon us, and with that you, courageous keyboard warrior, are ready to take on the internet. You worry a bit, it was been an entire school year since your last campaign after all and you fear that you might be rusty and have forgotten your favorite tricks. Well never fear, valiant warrior, I am here to guide you back to your former glory with my very own guide to Failing at the Internet!! Without further ado, here are the best tips and tricks for getting you through the summer.

1. Let’s start with your favorite satanic social networking site. Be it SIN, the Sect, the 600c, you name it, pick one and go to “create an account.” (This step only applies to the warriors that fought hard enough in battle last summer to have their previous accounts frozen or deleted, if you still have your original account proceed to step 2) Remember how important first impressions are, so make sure to come up with a screen name just for you! Remember when creating a screen name it should be either in HaLf CaPs, have numbers in it in place of words (satan4eva!), be misspelled using text slang (Lykewutupbro), and most importantly have as many references as possible to Satan. ( easiest way is to make sure 666 is on either side of your screen name. Bonus awesome points if also done using symbols like “#$%^*()(%$”)

2. Never forget, proper English is for NERDS. If you really want to show the internet how awesome your e-dick is, you must create your own style of writing. (Remember, you’re unique and whatever you do is going to be totally cool. I promise) TYPING IN ALL CAPS is nice attention-grabbing classic, we all know that yelling in text= people listen better. For added flair, try the previously mentioned HaLf CaPs. Get creative, type with no caps, use numbers where there should be letters, and misspell even the simplest of words. Don’t worry about the grammar nazis, we’re ready to tackle them with our next step.

3. Everyone that says anything to you is just a hater because they’re jealous of how awesome you are. Don’t fret over the nerds telling you to spell with English! English is your bitch, and so are all the haters! Ignore all their points and throw insults. The sillier, the better. If anyone keeps arguing, follow them everywhere. Go to everything they post on and insult them. Down rate all their pictures and blogs. Make sure to completely derail any and all posts they have commented on. That will remind them of how strong and awesome you are.

4. Your ideas are gold, all of them. It’s summer after all, it’s time to make everyone aware of every tiny little thing that pops into your brain. Post multiple one liner blogs and threads as many times as possible. Also, make sure to be as vague and nonsensical as you can muster. It signals to everyone else that you’re mysterious and edgy, and we all know being mysterious is boss as fuck, yo.

5. Anybody that questions you is an asshole and must be defeated. You’re awesome and everything you say MUST be the truth, anybody questioning that is just another hater. Don’t reason with them, use logic, or pull up studies/stats to support your claim, that only tells them they’ve won. Instead, remind them they’re just hatin’ and throw as many insults as possible. If you really can’t avoid having to explain your point, do it YOUR way. Redefine simple words, lie, and don’t be afraid to get angry! If need be, use step 3 and follow them everywhere until they know their place. If even that doesn’t work, proceed to step 5.

5. Admin/Mods are stupid and are only around to serve you. If you have a couple of persistent haters on your back demanding dumb nerdy shit like facts or reason, don’t get discouraged. You need to bring this to the Admin’s attention. Don’t just send them a message though, if you only do that they might not take you seriously enough. Make sure to write lengthy anger filled complaints and post them all over the website. Don’t be afraid to lie, the ends justify the means and besides the admin are stupid, remember? They are totally going to take whatever you say at face value and listen to your every command. In the event of admin being part of the haters, proceed to the next step.

6. Any admin that disagrees with you is wrong. It totally doesn’t matter that you’re a brand new user, quote and reinterpret the site rules at them. Don’t be afraid to insult them too, remember you’re awesome and everyone else is your bitch. If they don’t listen, create multiple posts all over the site blaming the entire admin team for the problem. It’s important to post in as many places as possible and to be as passionate and angry as you can. Being angry will get everyone on your side. (Also important: ignore any warnings given out by admin. Remember they’re wrong and you’re right no matter what)

7. If all else fails, and you can’t get everybody to totally realize how kickass you are, it’s time. The big guns, The last resort. This, surely, will teach everyone a lesson. Make your final post. Be sure to outline in your post how stupid everybody else is, and how this website will fail without you. Then, leave or get yourself suspended. Without you, that place is devoid of all things awesome. It’s the website kiss of death. Rest assured that one day, they will realize the error of their ways but it will be too late. Fall back to all your other favorite sites and social media and laugh at them. Talk as much shit as possible. After all, daring keyboard warrior, it’s not you, it’s everybody else.


(Important side note. This bonus round is aimed squarely on those it applies you. If reading this makes you angry, then I am talking to YOU.)

Could it be? Have you reached the promised land? You’re in the bonus round so it must be! Oh, praise the internet, someone gave you admin/mod power. Be it the website, chat room, blog page, or FB group page, this special bonus round of my guide is for YOU!

1. You are infallible. You know it’s true because someone gave you some extra buttons. First thing’s first, step one is to make sure to remind everybody that you’re in charge.  This is your own personal sandbox, and don’t let anyone forget it.

2. Remember all those people you don’t like from before you had the power. Find them, and bully them where ever they may be.

3.  Now that you’re in charge, you can’t lose an argument, ever. Make sure anyone talking some sense gets banned. That’s the shortcut to winning after all.

4. Censorship is a good thing. You’re in charge now, so if you don’t like it, delete that shit pronto. Anyone that doesn’t like it is wrong, and needs to be subjected to bonus round steps 1,2, and 3.

5. Remember that you’ve reached the top. There is nothing better than being in charge of your corner of the internet. Make sure to remind everybody how high an accomplishment this is, much higher than any real world anything. Go forth, and be awesome.

That’s it folks! I’m sure I’ve missed quite a few steps, so if you have any additions feel free to comment below and I can add them.


6 Responses to “Sammie’s Guide to Failing at the Internet”

  1. Darryl Hutchins II Says:

    Very nice indeed Miss Sammie, and rather true.

  2. Lol..Bloody brilliant! And in the oddest, round-about way, quite true! ~Mistress Babylon

  3. Jared "Joker" Says:

    Love it! Made me chuckle. So true.

  4. Thank you everybody! I’m really happy you all enjoyed it 😀

    I figured what with the summer trolls coming out, now was a good time for a little bit of fun!

  5. You got to love internet drama.

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