And then suddenly, fucking normalcy.

Damn, it’s been a long, long time since I’ve looked at this blog or even sat down to attempt to write my thoughts into words. How’s life? How’s the family, the kids, the job, the twenty cats you got in your basement, whatever? Good? Cool. Not good? Fuck, that sucks man.

 

You ever go into something knowing you were going to fail and thinking, “well shit, I’ll make the most of it for now but fuck it, this is going to be fun”

 

Well, what happens when you don’t fail? What happens when the one possibility you didn’t put thought into just happens? I remember when I first got out on my own, freshly 18 years old. I was so fucking pissed off, so turned around, head spinning, I didn’t know which way to look or who to burn first. I was so fucking miserable and a part of me just wanted to die, but god I wanted to take down as many people as I could with me along the way. So I found some friends, we all had a house together. They were great, but just as fucked and it’s like we all just embarked on this suicide mission. I wanted to have a blast along the way but the only outcomes I saw were death or jail or whatever else that might as well just be death. And I was fine with that, I welcomed it even.

 

But after a few years the dust started to settle and here we are. Still standing, somehow. And now I’m just sitting here thinking, well fucking now what? Fast forward a few years and I’m not running, I’ve got roots. I’ve got things I built, stuff I’m working on that I love, some of my friends have families even. And, oddly enough, trying to cope with the permanence of it all is more difficult for me than the chaos and destruction I’ve always known. What, is this growing up and being “normal?” Is this some sort of weird happy ending? It’s all rather conflicting to me, on the one side I have things that make me happy and challenge me, on the other hand I have to fight this building urge to metaphorically pour gasoline on it all, light a match, and take to the winds not knowing what the fuck I’m getting into next. I guess I’m just not used to it and it feels too easy to get away with so much in the end.

 

You know what though? I’ll keep playing this hand of cards and make the most of it, this is going to be fun. I guess in a few years I’ll sit back and ask, “now what?” but until then I’ve got a matchbook in my pocket just in case.

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