How do you like me now?

Posted in Uncategorized on November 2, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

WARNING WARNING This post made with arrogance and my also contain peanuts WARNING WARNING 

 

So it’s finally fall and the weather is starting to cool down. I’m not really sure why, but fall is the time every year that I spend a bit of time reflecting on myself and the events that have transpired in the last year. For some reason I ever do this on New Year’s or any of the other seasons, it’s always Autumn. Maybe because it’s windy and I like wind, I have no idea. This year though, I’m going to focus on the detractors in my life. Thank you, crowd of people! Thank you. 

 

If it weren’t for all you people, I could possibly be in your boat with you (Ok probably not even then) . Thanks for saying, “You’ll never be successful on your own, you probably need to apply for menial jobs that pay shit.” Thanks for saying, ” Why can’t you just be normal, you’re never going to get anywhere looking like that.” And thank you for saying, “I don’t know why she’s going to college, she won’t make it past the first semester.” Special thanks to the people who actively tried to cut off my progress, that was cute. 

 

Every time I attracted comments like these, it stung a little. It caused me to question myself a bit, but it’s not going to knock me down. I’m not going to give up, because it makes other people more comfortable with their lack of progress. And I’m not going to not try for fear of failure. I love college, to the point that I feel like I never want to leave it. It’s a lot of work, but man it feels good to grab the highest score on my midterm out of the whole class. It feels amazing to work on something I previously didn’t understand, and then grasping the information while at the same time discovering a new interest in a subject. It’s an honor to meet people so much smarter than myself and have the opportunity to learn from them. 

 

The economy is terrible in my area, and the jobs are also terrible. I tried a few and decided I didn’t want to work so hard towards something I didn’t like and get paid crap for it. So you know what? I created my own job. I’ve had to take some risks, and learn a few lessons, but so far things are wildly successful. In addition to being a caregiver, I now specialize in nutrition for the elderly and cancer survivors. My patients are doing great, and I love the work that I do. I’m even starting a new project, I’m making a community garden, and also starting to bulk prepare and sell my food and menus, in order to take on more clients. It’s great because I make more money, but more importantly save more money for my patients. 

 

Here’s the kicker. I get to look back on everyone that’s ever told me I can’t be anything, and I see that they haven’t changed. What are you doing? Where is your life going? What are you proud of, and what’s gives you the authority to look down your nose at me? I know that in this post I’m taking a moment to congratulate myself on a little progress, but I’m also rational enough to know I’ve still got work to do. I replace every completed goal with a new one, and I realize there are more people out there that are smarter and more creative than myself. I guess the difference is that those people motivate and inspire me, and I guess for a lot of you they remind you of your own lack of motivation and success. 

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that at the end of the day I want to be proud of my accomplishments, and though I don’t think I’m the best, or somehow infallible, I can safely say I’m better than the idiots chilling on the couch throwing insults at me. 

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Calling yourself superman won’t make you fly

Posted in Uncategorized on August 10, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

I’ve always wondered what possesses people to run around beating their chests for everyone else to see. You know the type, those that walk in the room listing off just why they are so awesome, usually without anything to back that up. You have the most obvious ones, who end up getting kicked squarely in the teeth and disappear in a sea of asshurt, and then the more subtle ones. The one trick ponies stuck repeating the same tired buzzwords or popular viewpoint at the time.

 

The most frustrating thing to me is why they seem so damn sure of themselves all the time. Not a shred of doubt in anything they do, even though they actually lack whatever cards they say they are holding. I think it’s probably just much easier to shy away from real conflict and create a lie, one that over time will be a lie you’ll believe, than to take a hard look into a mirror. Any person seriously accomplishing anything is sure to be doing it by working through their fear or shortcomings. Dealing with discomfort and sometimes all out failure, to achieve an end goal. 

 

When I was attacked earlier this year, I’m not embarrassed to tell anyone that I was afraid. (Due to legal reasons and too much personal story, I’m not outlining the details of this incident here.) It was scary and uncomfortable to deal with, but I learned a lot of things from it. I didn’t back down for fear, and I won’t later this year when I have to face the same shit, but in a courtroom. And by the way, this is not some great accomplishment or some testament to strength or whatever. It’s seeing fear for what it is, as a tool I can use. This incident is really no different than my doubts and fears about doing well in school, starting a new job, or taking a new step in a relationship. If I don’t feel nervous or scared, I’m not accomplishing anything. If I’m not second guessing myself, or seeking out new things to test out, I’m not really living in my opinion.

So all these people with the excess confidence, strutting around with all their talk about handling crazy situations like pros, and having the perfect answers to theoretical scenarios, they really just yell the loudest to cover up the lack of action on their part. Real progress doesn’t require endorsement from your peers. 

So I guess my question is this: Is your confidence truly built on a tested foundation, or are you just deceiving yourself? 

Boycott Idiocy

Posted in Uncategorized on May 17, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

So this blog is inspired by a forum thread I saw on SIN. The OP is calling to boycott a fast food chain because they refused to hire a Satanist. They knew he was a Satanist because of the necklace he was wearing during the interview. He even went and made a complaint against the company for religious discrimination. I had so many things to say about this that I’m now writing this blog. (If you want to read the actual thread, it’s on SIN and called “Boycott Sheetz,”)

95% of the population does not agree with Satanism, or even really know what it means. This is how it is, and I wouldn’t want people to get all PC about it and dilute it into meaningless garbage. I don’t need society to accept me or any sort of satanic ideal because I have at least scratched the surface of how crooked, diseased, and unnatural society is today as a whole. I personally want to be as removed from society as humanly possible. It’s important to remember all of this when working a job, especially a job dealing with the public because I can’t fully remove myself from the system or society. (Unless I wanted to go live in some cave somewhere) So, if I were applying for a job in the food service industry, of course I wouldn’t want to flaunt any sort of satanic symbol. People would complain, people would refuse to eat there. This is just how shit works. So if I were the manager and interviewing someone for a job that was wearing a symbol of something 95% of customers hate, I would never, ever hire that person. (Unless I decided that I didn’t want to actually make any money) It’s the same in my current job. I work in sales and therefore spend all of my time convincing the public to buy shit from me. If I wore my atheist shirt that said “Worship me or I’ll torture you forever – Signed Your loving God” my clientele would just be offended by my atheist message and I would not make any money. You would think this was common sense, but apparently not.

My next problem is that the OP went on to make a complaint of discrimination and calls for people to boycott the entire establishment. Really bro? If I were fired from my job for saying “Hail Satan!” to a client for example, it would be bad customer service not discrimination. Lets not martyr ourselves for Satanism because people don’t like the fact that we go directly against every single religion that people subscribe to. The world isn’t fair, it’s naive to think otherwise, and it’s flat out retardation to want people to boycott any business that isn’t down with employees wearing symbols that have to do with Satan.

My final point that’s really bugging me is the obsessive need for people (I’m mostly talking about satanists, but this point applies to every religion, philosophy, or political stance) to wear symbols of their chosen philosophy as ornaments or jewelry. I mean all the time. Why is that so important to people? Does wearing a cheap metal baphomet somehow make Satanism more real to people? I personally don’t need to wear jewelry to prove to myself what I am. Symbols only hold meaning if you decide to give them meaning. I don’t get magical evil powers if I wear one. I also really don’t give a shit about trying to let everyone know how badass I think I am by wearing a cheap trinket I bought on ebay.

Just my two cents on the subject.

Do you stop and think first?

Posted in Uncategorized on March 27, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

So last Sunday I was hanging out at my new house, (I know, I know, I moved again. Call me the nomad of southern California) and my room mate had his daughter over, whom he has custody of every other weekend. She’s a pretty cool little kid, and so I find her entertaining and fun. I eventually went upstairs, got ready, and got in the car with my boyfriend to go do our errands and other such things. I mention in the car how much I enjoy being around Lilly, (room mate’s daughter) and my boyfriend asks me the question that seems to always come up, and cause a small little argument between us every time. “Are you sure you don’t want to have kids?”

 

Now, we’ve been dating for a little while now, almost two years, and also live together. I’ve always been the type that doesn’t want kids, and so is Paul. Perfect fit right? This is where I get annoyed, he always asks me if I’ve changed my mind. I always explain that even though I love being around kids and babies for short periods of time, I never want to have any of my own. So why does the question come up over and over again like a bad case of herpes? Paul and I start debating on it, and he explains that a lot of women change their minds, and hope he will eventually change too. Not to mention that hormone induced biological clock that starts ticking right about now. This actually makes sense to me, because I hear people all day telling me about how “one day” I’m going to change my mind. I’m not, and here’s why:

 

I never take a stance on something lightly. If I’m presented with a choice, I will say I’m undecided until I have methodically weighed every option and the pros and cons that come with it. When first asked years ago if I wanted kids, my gut reaction was no. I decided to take a look more closely, why is my initial reaction no, is there anything that will change my mind, what are the pros and cons of not having children versus having them? After much critical thinking and thought I came up with a small list. Sure, I like children and would love my child if I had one-hell, I might even be good at being a parent. The problem here is that I don’t like this world, and don’t want to bring new people in it, the world has PLENTY of people in it already, my DNA is not that special so it is of no real importance to reproduce, if I have a child I’m essentially giving up eighteen years at least when I’d rather travel and and live life with a little more freedom, and it’s fucking expensive. Not to mention the damage that could be done to my “happy place.” From this method of thinking, I can confidently be happy with answering no, and not regret it later in my lifetime.

 

I do this with every personal choice or political stance. When I first heard about abortion, I didn’t know where I stood until I used the available facts, logic, and critical thinking skills. I believe going from gut instinct or emotional pull alone would only produce a shitty one sided argument without shedding light on the opposition and differing schools of thought on the matter.  It’s not until debating more closely with Paul that I realized that this method of logically thinking things through and viewing all evidence and claims critically before taking a stance is not actually very common. I’m not the smartest person in the world, and certainly not the most knowledgeable about Satanism, but I guess what makes me seem so smart is the way I approach any given subject. So people, please for the love of cupcakes and all other cool things, get comfortable with saying “I don’t know” before making a fickle ill informed stance. It’s making me look bad 😉

America, the great fairy tale

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

I was born into a military family, all my grandparents and uncles being officers of high rank in the Navy. My dad also served in the Marines. So when I was a kid, I was taught to be patriotic and that America is the greatest country out there.  I’ve always gotten along with my dad the most out of everyone in my family, and so I really looked up to him and generally believed in most of the things he taught me. I learned how important it was to stand your ground if you have an opinion, no matter how tough things get. I should display determination and courage for everything I do. When I’m wronged, to never turn away but instead  fight back when someone tries to push me around. I need to be proud of everything I do, and to own up to my mistakes or poor decisions when I make them. Also to hold the people around me to the same exact standards. The world’s a fucked up place, but don’t worry this is America. In America we are free, we stand up for the good of our fellow Americans, cold hard justice will always bitch slap the face of the assholes of society, and we’ll just continue to evolve and grow positively as time passes on.

 

Then one day somewhere in my high school years around the time I got a car, job, a longer parental leash, and more interest in current events, I started to really look around. It was all very confusing, as this place is not like what I was taught to believe in. You can’t go five minutes without seeing advertising on something, everyone’s fucking materialistic, (Thousand dollar purses, are you fucking kidding me?) everyone’s lazy as shit but at the same time thinks the world owes them a comfortable life, we have a huge obesity problem, everyone is way too religious, and we are fast becoming a nation of retards and wimpy little pussies. What happened to all those cool things I was taught? You know, freedom and justice and badass fight scenes??? We’re in a few wars that has nothing to do with our freedoms. We’re so religious that gay people can’t get married, people fight to teach creationism in schools, people want to ban abortion and contraceptives, block the advances of stem cell research, censor other religions or anything against God like pornography, and most people like to go so far as to claim this is a “Christian Nation.” (No it’s fucking not, go read stuff) Since I’ve become an adult, I’ve only seen more and more of our freedoms taken away. (Oh hai Patriot Act, Indefinite Detention Act, and SOPA-PIPA-ACTA) All the while our education system gets worse and the nation as a whole becomes more dumb, yet still people are SO proud of America and quick to say we’re number one!

 

It’s around this time that I realized American patriotism is just an illusion. It’s not fucking real, because those core values I learned about don’t exist in the majority of people here. We are weak and stupid, completely comfortable with living in our own little boxes just so long as we have the new iPhone 64 to keep us happy and distracted. Guess it’s easier to believe in our own awesomeness than to face reality. This sort of blind national pride is unnecessary to my life, as this is just a place and I happen to hate most of the people in it.

 

I was reminded of all of this and decided to write it down after I watched a movie trailer. I think this movie sums it up better than I can:

 

I AM MY OWN GOD!

Posted in Uncategorized on January 8, 2012 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

I declare this day that I am my own God! For I, HookahSmokingCaterpillar, chooses to worship NO ONE other than myself! Yes, you’ve heard that right folks, I shall make all my own rules! I will live my life as I please, more liberated and unique merely because I’ve thought about doing so after realizing I’m God! Don’t let appearances of my normal life of working, college, paying rent, doing laundry, and sitting in traffic fool you! My life is down right GODLY! And to hell with cheap tricks like mind reading, the ability to fly or be invisible, or explode things, or make any sort of real change in the world around me using any sort of godly influence (or even influence it like a normal human) , those all pale in comparison to the beautiful gift of knowledge I carry deep inside now that I know that even though I look just like everyone else, I’m secretly a God!

 

 

And now that I know the truth about myself  (all thanks to completely misunderstanding the Satanic Bible) I can do what all wonderful Gods do best! Brag about being a God on the internet while sitting in my mom’s basement!

Does Polly want a fucking cracker?

Posted in Uncategorized on December 18, 2011 by hookahsmokingcaterpillar

Tomorrow is the first day of my internship as a technician in a local retail pharmacy, so yesterday I had to go into WalMart to buy medical scrubs that fit into the dress code. As I’m using the fitting room mirrors to check out how my scrubs look, the woman working there strikes up some random small talk with me. She asks about my job, I explain I just finished school, starting my internship, blah blah blah. Then she asks me, ” Oh so are you going to be a nurse then?” I tell her nope, pharm tech. “But, then you’re going to be going into nursing school, right?” I tell her, I’m going to continue school, but I don’t think I’ll be going into nursing, no. And then she says this thing that’s been bothering me for years now, “Well the medical field, now that’s the way to go, that’s where ALL the jobs are at. There will always be lots of money and jobs in things like nursing!”

I mean, I guess this isn’t a completely untrue statement. Nursing and other medical jobs won’t disappear because we will always have hospitals and sick people (well all the away until society collapses and life ends as we know it. C’mon WWIII!) to create the need for them in the first place. The thing is, I’ve heard just about everyone I’ve ever talked to about anything remotely related to a medical subject repeat the same feel good mantra about the medical field being the ultimate cheat code for instantly getting a job like a god damned talking parrot. Has anyone put any thought into this? Does anyone know where they first heard someone say this before they started repeating it to everyone in conversation to feel clever? The only people benefiting from this original statement are the fast track colleges that are popping up all over the place and charging triple the price for medical careers, using the same exact gimmick. The end result is a market saturated with newly graduated students all competing for the same number of jobs.

This here is only a small example of the general malfunction I’m seeing. False information is used and regurgitated by the general population on a daily basis, no one bothering to question and check basic facts.  America’s the best, second hand smoke kills, keep the christ in christmas, student loans are good for you, your vote matters, we have freedom! Oh, and my very favorite, just for the online LHP community, “I AM my own God!” (In my mom’s basement. It’s a holy basement, yo) If you can come up with a simple enough idea or statement and repeat it enough times- as it turns out- people will take you at your word and also repeat it for you.

So, at the end of the day, no one wasted their time with thinking, everyone said the same things to feel clever and proud, some maybe even got a cookie out of it, and we all live in a giant cage filled with talking parrots.